I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Randomize
