She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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