im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
