Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
