she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
