Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
