This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
