Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
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