Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
