Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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