New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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