At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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