If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Randomize
