I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
