I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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