This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
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