I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
