oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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