Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Randomize
