If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Randomize
