So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
