it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
