So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
