You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
