If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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