He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
