I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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