I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
