I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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