I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
