I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Randomize
