I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Send help, water and tortillas.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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