I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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