Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
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