i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
