i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
