my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
