Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
