I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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