I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
