Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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