my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
