As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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