I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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