You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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