I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Randomize
