I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
