I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
They took my balls.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Randomize
