I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
