yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
there is puke in my bra ... again
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