i think my tv is drunk
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize