Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
