No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Randomize
