my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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