The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
