This is not my ceiling
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Randomize
