mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize