I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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