I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
