we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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