I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
