I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
