That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
